unimpeachable

[He wrapped his arms around him and allowed himself to be pulled in, hugging him tightly. Huaisang must have let him know... What a brat. Now was he actually trying to help or was he trying to make it worse? He was too tired to really think about it.]

Just holding me is...enough.

[His voice was muffled, buried in Xichen's shoulder.]

...I feel overwhelmed, Er-ge.

A-Yao. [Fingers keep smoothing through his hair calmingly, Xichen just holding him as he takes a breath before continuing.]

You're not alone here so you don't have to carry everything yourself...

..I don't know how else to carry things Er-ge.

I just... [He took a deep shuddering breath. How could he talk about this in a way that will make sense?]

I'm from a time after you Er-ge. Da-ge has been dead for nearly a decade. You gave me your ribbon to put away and then everything with him was so much...

The last time I saw him he hated me so much. And... it's before when we used to be good and he wasn't so angry and scary. I felt safe in between you two and I don't know what to do with that.

I know he was angry with you after the war. [Xichen catches his chin, tilting it up, his smile still concerned but there, thumb stroking along his jawline.]

If I burdened you too much, I'm sorry. You can set that aside as a momentary lapse and focus on building a new relationship with Da-ge. I think you two having a second chance is a good thing, don't you? [He paused, steps back for a moment before lifting some of the water to gently bathe Guangyao's face.]

And if we make you feel safe, that's good as well, yes?

I can never be burdened by you, Er-ge. [He said softly, leaning into the touch.]

It's not just after the war. I think I could never be what he thought of me what he wanted me to be. Not in the world we were in. He used to think that everything should have one way to do things, be just and righteous. But Er-ge justice is reserved for the gentry who have high birth.

I...I am reminded of the things I loved and respected about him.

I don't really like the person I am. I don't like the things I've had to do in my life. I really want to be the person the two of you think I am.

Er-ge, every time I am on top of the steps and think I am brimming with happiness, I only get kicked down again.

...I fear happiness and safety.

Trusting things you're not used to is never easy, A-Yao. You don't need to force yourself to do anything unless it's what you really want to do, at least here, and taking it a day at a time might make it easier for you. I don't know what happened after we lost Da-ge but he's the man he was before the war here. [Before he'd changed, even if Xichen had done everything he could to help him return to who he'd been before everything had happened.]

I'll do whatever I can to help you, though. Both of you because I want this chance for the two of you more than anything else. [At least as long as they're here.]

I want to be better. The path I was on ended...badly. I don't want to be that person.

I know. The war took a lot from us. Do you think he'll hate me if he knows who I am or what I did?

I am working on finding solutions, there is a Master here, Master Shen who is the caretaker and had cultivated nearly to immortality. He says he might help with Da-ge's issue that he had handled a qi- deviation before. Perhaps if it is handled early he may have a better chance.

I want him to stay like this, Er-ge. I want him to stay himself.

I'm sure you can be better than whatever you're troubled by, A-Yao. I've seen how hard you work and how much you care about the people around you. [At least the ones he's close to, although A-Yao is respectful to everyone.]

You were so good to Huaisang and you helped me out when I wasn't able to make time to visit Qinghe becaue of... [Xichen trailed off, his expression clouding briefly although the mention of a cure for Mingjue has him silent and staring for a moment.]

....I do as well. When he changed... [Xichen let his eyes close for a moment, remembering before sighing quietly.] But as long as he's alive here, we have a chance.

[The tears were about to break again at that. He wouldn't be saying this if he really knew how depraved he was. How he was the one who causes both their pain, that Huaisang was the one who had orchestrated his own death.]

Er-ge you had a lot happening, with reconstruction and Wangji...you did your best.

I know he was a different person. He was terrified when he did. We are in a place where we don't have to think about the rest of it. I want to make my second life better. I want to make his better as well.

I think the reason it hits so deeply is that I just...You both have such an effect on me. I've loved you and him so deeply. I'm afraid.

I wish you could have met him before his father died.[Before he'd taken on the role of sect leader, when he'd been free to do what he wanted, before he'd learned to hate in the way that only Mingjue could. Xichen exhaled a slow breath, gaze lingering on Guangyao's face as he cups the other man's cheek.]

I tried. I did everything I knew how to... [He'd trusted them to each other and until it was too late, he'd hoped that it had worked, that Mingjue would live, but...]

I think you will, A-Yao. You're more than capable of choosing the path that will provide what you want and you're not afraid of working hard to achieve your own goals. But you need to take care of yourself as well, not just focus on what you think is best for us. Because we want what's best for you too.

[He hummed softly against him.] I wish I got to meet him back then, but I would have been really young. I'm only a year older than Huaisang.

It isn't your fault. [It was his.] It was never yours. You need to know that.

What if that path is hard? It is easier to pretend. One step at a time...[He takes a deep breath and lets it go.]

I...Er-ge you are much too good to me. Your kindness will get you hurt. I corrupt everything I touch...

I know, but... [Xichen shakes his head, catches Guangyao's hand to guide him to the bank so they can sit, fingers lacing with his.]

The decision is yours, A-Yao, to decide if what you want is worth fighting for. As for being good to you, I'm not any different than I've always been, Guangyao, and you've done so much for me how can I be anything else? ...And there's risk in everything, that's what makes it worth it when things do go the way they should.

[He was guided easily by him and rested his head on his shoulder as he sat.

Guangyao looked at the man next to him. The first rays of dawn illuminating his skin, and his eyes were soft. He did everything in his power to keep this man in the dark, in the past. Used his kindness, used his regard. It was all in a plea for safety.

He shook his head.

Lan Xichen was worth fighting for. He was always worth fighting for. And if he didn't fight for him in his last life, he did in his last breath. Nie Mingjue was worth fighting for. The man saw him as more than what he was and lifted him.

He will spend the rest of this new life fighting for both of these men. They were beautiful and complicated.

He loved them.

That stark bit of clarity was very apparent. He loved them and wanted to be loved by them. It was going to be a long uphill battle.]

I love you both. I'm going to do better. I want to fight hard for us to have a good peaceful life here.

[He squeezed his hand.]

However, for now, I think I'm ready to go back to bed. I...I think I ruined my only underrobes. I'm going to try and wash them tomorrow.

I'm also going to be a baby and make a request.

Can you carry me Er-ge?

[ When Guangyao leans against him, Xichen slides an arm around him, watching the sun rise before turning his head with Guangyao speaks, his smile soft as he listens. ] Then we'll work for that together. You're not alone here, A-Yao.

[ However there's a soft laugh before he continues. ] You can use my spare underrobe if you need one and we'll figure out clothing tomorrow. And yes, I'll carry you back to Mingjue's rooms. [Then he's moving to his feet to dress before wrapping A-Yao in his underrobe, and letting the other man climb onto his back so he can take him back into the estate proper. ]

[Guangyao nodded softly, and yawned. He barely slept. He was glad he was off the next two days so that he could just rest and get his bearings.] Okay. Together then.

[He snuggled into the robes that smelled like his lover, it was quite a bit big on him but he didn't mind. It made him feel safe and covered. He hopped onto his back and wrapped his arms around his shoulders. He hadn't be carried like this since he was a very small child. His eyes were watery.]

You're so strong Er-ge I don't think I've been carried since I was a little child. I bet I weigh nothing to you.

[ Xichen gathers the rest of his clothing, bundling it up before they're heading back, laughing softly at the comment. ]

You don't. I just thought this would be more..comfortable than carrying you the other way. [And even though they're outside the walls, it's not long before they're back inside and heading for the central residence and Mingjue's bedroom. ]

Mmmm. Er-ge is strong and handsome. I must be the luckiest person.

[He nuzzles into his neck.]

We should be quiet and not wake Da-ge up. He needs his rest. I'm sorry you had to get up to come to get me. I've been very troublesome.

You really think he's not awake? [Knowing how lightly they slept during the war, even the Lans with their schedules.]

And you're no trouble, A-Yao. I'm just glad I could help you at all.

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