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May. 9th, 2021 11:30 am
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[personal profile] unimpeachable

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Lan Xichen


illicitly: (adult - 47)
From: [personal profile] illicitly
[OOC: After this thread.]

Please collect Jin Guangyao. He can be found in either the peony gardens or the cold spring to the west of the fortress estate. Thank you.
taintedpeony: (pic#14766751)
From: [personal profile] taintedpeony
[He wasn't certain if he felt any better after his conversation with Huaisang but at least it grounded him enough that he was willing to crawl out from under the bush he was hiding under. The sun was just beginning to peek over the clouds. It was going to be dawn in an hour or two and he was going to have to face the day.

Really Guangyao how undignified. His mother would be appalled at him right now. So he did what he always did. He straightened up his muddy, and somewhat bloody under robes. His hands and knees were scraped from crawling around the hard ground like a lunatic.

When he got to the cold spring he shunted the fabric off his shoulders. He was going to have to wash it later. He began to pull what leaves and petals he could out of his messy hair and stepped inside the cold pool, shivering as the water touched his skin. He sat down into it, curling into a little ball. He really did feel like crying again. Maybe this was why Lans secluded themselves so that they could get rid of all the terrible nasty emotions they were feeling and come down the mountain, acting like the detached ethereal beings they seemed to be.

Who was going to see him here at this time of night anyway? He may as well have a good cry.]

Date: 2021-05-12 08:31 pm (UTC)
taintedpeony: (pic#14766732)
From: [personal profile] taintedpeony
[Guangyao was so overwhelmed by his feelings that he didn't even notice that he was no longer alone. The wracking sobs shook through him. But something about it was releasing as well. Maybe it was because he held so many of his feelings back for so many years that it was coming up so very often now. Like a dam that had been holding back so much for so very long, finally collapsing under its own weight. Be good A-Yao. Be dignified. You're a good boy, aren't you? Show them that you are an esteemed gentleman. Be a filial child.

There were so many expectations on him, and he had failed so many of them, his own hatred and resentment in the world growing. And now this. This feeling of safety and it was a false one. If they knew how ugly he was he would cease being safe. And he really wanted to be better this time around. He really did.

He startled when he felt himself being lifted up, calming down after realizing that it was Xichen. His face open and the amount of pain in his features very apparent. He looked a wreck, eyes swollen red from crying and random bits of flowers and twigs stuck in his hair.]


...Er-ge. It's not 5 am yet. I wasn't expecting you to be awake yet.

Date: 2021-05-12 09:07 pm (UTC)
taintedpeony: (pic#14766748)
From: [personal profile] taintedpeony
[He wrapped his arms around him and allowed himself to be pulled in, hugging him tightly. Huaisang must have let him know... What a brat. Now was he actually trying to help or was he trying to make it worse? He was too tired to really think about it.]

Just holding me is...enough.

[His voice was muffled, buried in Xichen's shoulder.]

...I feel overwhelmed, Er-ge.

Date: 2021-05-12 10:22 pm (UTC)
taintedpeony: (pic#14859205)
From: [personal profile] taintedpeony
..I don't know how else to carry things Er-ge.

I just... [He took a deep shuddering breath. How could he talk about this in a way that will make sense?]

I'm from a time after you Er-ge. Da-ge has been dead for nearly a decade. You gave me your ribbon to put away and then everything with him was so much...

The last time I saw him he hated me so much. And... it's before when we used to be good and he wasn't so angry and scary. I felt safe in between you two and I don't know what to do with that.

Date: 2021-05-12 11:17 pm (UTC)
taintedpeony: (pic#14766751)
From: [personal profile] taintedpeony
I can never be burdened by you, Er-ge. [He said softly, leaning into the touch.]

It's not just after the war. I think I could never be what he thought of me what he wanted me to be. Not in the world we were in. He used to think that everything should have one way to do things, be just and righteous. But Er-ge justice is reserved for the gentry who have high birth.

I...I am reminded of the things I loved and respected about him.

I don't really like the person I am. I don't like the things I've had to do in my life. I really want to be the person the two of you think I am.

Er-ge, every time I am on top of the steps and think I am brimming with happiness, I only get kicked down again.

...I fear happiness and safety.

Date: 2021-05-12 11:35 pm (UTC)
taintedpeony: (pic#14766749)
From: [personal profile] taintedpeony
I want to be better. The path I was on ended...badly. I don't want to be that person.

I know. The war took a lot from us. Do you think he'll hate me if he knows who I am or what I did?

I am working on finding solutions, there is a Master here, Master Shen who is the caretaker and had cultivated nearly to immortality. He says he might help with Da-ge's issue that he had handled a qi- deviation before. Perhaps if it is handled early he may have a better chance.

I want him to stay like this, Er-ge. I want him to stay himself.

Date: 2021-05-13 12:12 am (UTC)
taintedpeony: Made by YilingIcons@tumblr (pic#14746102)
From: [personal profile] taintedpeony
[The tears were about to break again at that. He wouldn't be saying this if he really knew how depraved he was. How he was the one who causes both their pain, that Huaisang was the one who had orchestrated his own death.]

Er-ge you had a lot happening, with reconstruction and Wangji...you did your best.

I know he was a different person. He was terrified when he did. We are in a place where we don't have to think about the rest of it. I want to make my second life better. I want to make his better as well.

I think the reason it hits so deeply is that I just...You both have such an effect on me. I've loved you and him so deeply. I'm afraid.

Date: 2021-05-13 12:36 am (UTC)
taintedpeony: (pic#14766750)
From: [personal profile] taintedpeony
[He hummed softly against him.] I wish I got to meet him back then, but I would have been really young. I'm only a year older than Huaisang.

It isn't your fault. [It was his.] It was never yours. You need to know that.

What if that path is hard? It is easier to pretend. One step at a time...[He takes a deep breath and lets it go.]

I...Er-ge you are much too good to me. Your kindness will get you hurt. I corrupt everything I touch...

Date: 2021-05-13 12:58 am (UTC)
taintedpeony: (pic#14837150)
From: [personal profile] taintedpeony
[He was guided easily by him and rested his head on his shoulder as he sat.

Guangyao looked at the man next to him. The first rays of dawn illuminating his skin, and his eyes were soft. He did everything in his power to keep this man in the dark, in the past. Used his kindness, used his regard. It was all in a plea for safety.

He shook his head.

Lan Xichen was worth fighting for. He was always worth fighting for. And if he didn't fight for him in his last life, he did in his last breath. Nie Mingjue was worth fighting for. The man saw him as more than what he was and lifted him.

He will spend the rest of this new life fighting for both of these men. They were beautiful and complicated.

He loved them.

That stark bit of clarity was very apparent. He loved them and wanted to be loved by them. It was going to be a long uphill battle.]


I love you both. I'm going to do better. I want to fight hard for us to have a good peaceful life here.

[He squeezed his hand.]

However, for now, I think I'm ready to go back to bed. I...I think I ruined my only underrobes. I'm going to try and wash them tomorrow.

I'm also going to be a baby and make a request.

Can you carry me Er-ge?

Date: 2021-05-13 01:40 am (UTC)
taintedpeony: (pic#14766730)
From: [personal profile] taintedpeony
[Guangyao nodded softly, and yawned. He barely slept. He was glad he was off the next two days so that he could just rest and get his bearings.] Okay. Together then.

[He snuggled into the robes that smelled like his lover, it was quite a bit big on him but he didn't mind. It made him feel safe and covered. He hopped onto his back and wrapped his arms around his shoulders. He hadn't be carried like this since he was a very small child. His eyes were watery.]

You're so strong Er-ge I don't think I've been carried since I was a little child. I bet I weigh nothing to you.

Date: 2021-05-13 01:59 am (UTC)
taintedpeony: (pic#14766749)
From: [personal profile] taintedpeony
Mmmm. Er-ge is strong and handsome. I must be the luckiest person.

[He nuzzles into his neck.]

We should be quiet and not wake Da-ge up. He needs his rest. I'm sorry you had to get up to come to get me. I've been very troublesome.

(not here)

Date: 2021-06-29 07:54 pm (UTC)
taintedpeony: (pic#14908635)
From: [personal profile] taintedpeony
Late on the night of the banquet, a robot holding a cart with a potted gentian, a large basket of tea and vegetarian banquet fare, and what looks like a letter arrived near the Hanshi.

The letter had the insignia of the Lanling Jin clan but tied around it was a Lan forehead ribbon, freshly washed and pressed.

It was addressed to Sect Leader Lan.

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Lan Xichen

May 2021

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